


Accidental Fate

by allonsyarielle



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Asexual Alec Lightwood, Asexual Character, M/M, Self-Discovery, angst but hopefully not too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:45:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8391319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsyarielle/pseuds/allonsyarielle
Summary: There were two things Alec Lightwood knew about himself beyond a shadow of a doubt.  The first was that he was gay.  The second was that he does not like sex.  Through a chance encounter with Magnus Bane, Alec learns about asexuality, and it opens his eyes to a new part of his identity.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic as a way to vent some personal feelings. I didn't think it would be something I was going to post, but then this fic kind of evolved into something else and I wanted to share it, even if there might only be like 3 other people who might care about it. I've been sitting on it for a while now, nervous to actually post it, but since it is Asexual Awareness Week, I figured now was as good of time as any. Ace!Alec is a headcanon that just means a lot to me. Oh and thanks to Sarah for listening to me talk too much about this and for letting me drag you into the Malec fandom so I had someone to share all these feels with, and for encouraging me and helping me with this fic. Sorry not sorry for ruining your life too with Ace!Alec and Malec headcanons!

There were two things Alec Lightwood knew about himself beyond a shadow of a doubt. The first was that he was gay. This one he's known for about as long as he's been old enough to comprehend those feelings, even if it took him much longer to come to terms with it and start the path toward self-acceptance. The second thing Alec Lightwood knew about himself, is that he doesn't like sex.  Actually, it is more than that.  He never actually wants to have sex. It’s just something that is not for him.  The idea of having sex with someone just makes him incredibly uncomfortable, and he’d like to avoid the act at all costs.   
  
The second thing was harder to figure out. At first, he thought it was just because he was lying to himself about his sexuality.  He thought it was just another one of those signs pointing in the direction of him being gay, that he wasn’t ready to accept.  But his feelings toward sex didn’t change with men.  And it's not fear, or inexperience, or even lack of attraction, just something deep down, he feels isn’t meant for him.  He doesn’t really know how else to describe it.     
So because of all this, Alec has pretty much given up on dating. At least for now. Because if he's learned anything since living as an out and proud gay man, it's that he gay community is extremely sexual. That three dates rule that is often referenced in tv and movies, doesn’t apply in the gay community, or at least not in Alec's experience thus far. Sure, not every man Alec has been on a date with has wanted to take him home after one date, but the pattern was definitely high, and Alec was getting tired of running away from sexual experiences he didn't want in the first place.  

Enter Magnus Bane. 

Magnus came into Alec's life by accident. And by accident, it really it was an accident they even met at all. Or perhaps some would call it fate.    
  
It was a rather stormy day in Atlanta. Okay, so that was an understatement. There was a fucking hurricane approaching and the entire city was in a state of emergency. All flights out of the airport had been cancelled and stranded passengers were in a panic.  Many were trying to secure themselves a room in one of the adjoining airport hotels so they didn't have to spend the night sleeping on airport benches. And from the way the news was talking about this storm, it might even be more than one night before flights get back on schedule. They are saying this storm is the worst the Atlantic has seen in over a decade!   
  
Alec was one of the lucky ones. His sister, Isabelle had called ahead and booked him a hotel room at the hotel at the first sign of his flight getting delayed due to the oncoming storm. Travel agents might be a dying profession nowadays, but Izzy was one of the best in the field. She always had a sort of sixth sense about things. Alec was grateful to bypass the line of angry travelers at the front desk who seem to already be getting told the hotel was booked to capacity and head for the reservation line. He retrieved his key and took the elevator up to his room. Having already been sitting in the airport through five hours of delays before the impending weather cancelled all flights, all he really wanted to do was take a nice warm shower and crawl into bed with his book.    
  
Alec was about halfway through taking his pants off when his hotel room door slammed open and a strange man strutted in.  

"Now normally I'm not opposed to being greeted by a gorgeous naked man in my hotel room, but it's been a long day, and honey, you don't belong here,” said the strange man with a hint of a flirtatious flourish to his voice as his eyes scanned Alec in a less than innocent manner.   
  
Alec tried to hide the blush that was creeping up his body, while also trying not to fall over and make a fool of himself, which wasn’t easy to do as he was standing there exposed wearing not much more than just his boxer briefs, with one leg still tangled in his pants.  Objectively he knows he has a good body. He works out. He takes care of himself. But that doesn't mean he is comfortable flaunting his practically naked self in front of a strange man - a very good looking strange man at that - he's not Jace!    
  
"The fuck?” Were the first words that came to Alec’s mind, and out of his mouth, since he was still trying to figure out why this man was in his room in the first place and what to do about his mostly naked situation.  “This is my hotel room.”  Alec tried to gesture to the fact that he was clearly here first and settling in, but that just called more attention to the fact that he was still standing there in shock, shirtless and with his pants halfway off, so he scurried to try and re-clothe himself, an action that was way less graceful than he would have liked while being watched, but at least he didn't trip and fall on his face.  So much for that shower he was looking forward to.   

Alec reached for his phone and began to dial.  He needed answers, and help, and there was only one person he could think of who’d have both.   
  
"Who are you calling?"   
  
"My travel agent. Not that it's any of your business since you're the one who shouldn’t even be here!"  Alec's voice was harsh, and he would have felt a little bad, if it weren't for the smug look on the other man's face as he held out a piece of paper in Alec's direction.  It was a hotel receipt.   
  
"Room 713. This is my room, sweetheart. That's what it says right here. Plus, who even has a travel agent anymore?"   
  
Alec let out an exasperated groan. He did not like this man.  Then spoke into his phone the second the call was answered and he heard his sister’s voice. "Izzy, hi, thank god. Why is there a strange man standing in my hotel room claiming it's his?"   
  
"Alec, calm down. I don't know what you're talking about."   
  
"There is a man.  In my hotel room.  Claiming it is his."   
  
"Okay, have you talked to the hotel? It's crazy down there with the storm, it's possible they had some kind of mix up, maybe they can sort it out for you."   
  
"No, I called you first," he replied as if that was the most obvious answer.   
  
"Okay, well I'm afraid there isn't much I can do from my end. I really just book the rooms for you, any problems with the hotel, you have to go through them.  Go talk to the someone at the front desk, see what they can do. Call me back if you need me."   
  
"Okay. Thanks. Bye." Alec let out a sigh as he hung up. This day was only getting worse.    
  
He turned back to the strange man in his doorway. He had his arms folded across his chest and was leaning against the door post in a way that accentuated the muscular curves of his arms beneath his tight fitting shirt.  Alec took a moment to take in the man’s appearance.  He was wearing what looked to be a silk burgundy top, barely buttoned at all, with layers of gold necklaces covering his bare chest, and black skinny jeans.  There was a similar red colour dyed into the tips of his hair, which was still flawlessly styled, despite the fact that he’d probably been traveling or stuck in the airport all day too.  His fingernails were painted black and each finger was adorned with a different kind of ring.  His eyes were lined with dark kohl, accentuating their almond shape, and his lips were shiny with some kind of gloss.  The man was also covered in glitter, which actually surprised Alec the most.  Who even needed to wear that much glitter, let alone for a day of travel?  He looked like a vampire from one of those Twilight films Isabelle insisted on making him watch.  The man was extremely good looking though.  Almost in a way that just made you hate him on principle.  And it only fueled Alec’s anger and frustration with this whole situation. 

“Izzy couldn’t help.  We have to go talk to the hotel staff.  See if they can sort this out.”

Alec stepped passed the man into the hallway, and was thankful he was actually following.  They rode the elevator back down to the lobby in silence, having nothing to say to one another.  The lines of people has dissipated since earlier when Alec checked in, but there was still a crowd of unhappy people around the hotel’s front desk.  After a couple failed attempts at getting the attention of one of the hotel staff, the strange man cleared his throat, and made a gesture to Alec that he gathered to mean “allow me.”  The man put on full flirtatious charm, and to Alec’s pleasant surprise, the woman at the desk gave him her utmost attention almost immediately.  

“I do apologize Mr. Bane, but unfortunately in the craziness of this storm, our system double booked some rooms and we are already at max capacity so we just don’t have another room to give you.”

“Certainly, Kayley, there is something you can do?”  His charm was in full force.

“I wish there was.  But all the other hotels around are dealing with the same thing.  So either you two can continue to share the room, or decide amongst you who’s keeping it.  I can of course adjust the cost of the room so you are each only paying half, and even throw in a voucher for  complimentary dinner at the hotel bar.  But that’s about all I can do.”

The man looked at Alec for direction.  Alec wasn’t too happy about having to share his hotel room with this stranger, but there was no way he was giving up this room, and he knew the other man wasn’t either, so they were stuck with each other.  Alec just shrugged and rolled his eyes showing he was not happy with this, but it’s not like there was really much of a choice.

“How about you see if you can throw in a bottle of wine in that complimentary dinner as well?  The alcohol would certainly help appease this situation we are now stuck in.”  Alec recognised what the man was doing.  He’d seen Izzy do it countless times.  Trying to see just how much he could milk out of the situation using his charm before it ran out.  A skill Alec was seriously lacking at.

“I’ll see what I can do.” The concierge was blushing, clearly affected by the man’s charm.  Alec has to admit, a part of him was affected as well, though he was still trying hard to cover it with his anger.  “In the meantime, here are you complimentary dinner vouchers.  The bar is open until 2 AM, but the kitchen closes at 11 PM, so if you are going to eat, just make sure to get your order in before then. I’ll adjust your charges on the room, and if I can get you that bottle, I’ll have it sent up to your room.”

“Thank you, Kayley.  You’ve been such a great help.  Have a lovely evening.”  Then he turned toward Alec, with a softer look on his face than earlier.  “So since it looks like we’re stuck with each other for the night, how about we have a do-over?  Start fresh.  Magnus Bane.”  He held out his hand for Alec.

“Alec Lightwood,” Alec said shaking his hand, letting some of the tension and animosity he was feeling a second ago escape his body.

“Okay, Alexander.  Now how about some free dinner, maybe some drinks, and we ride out this storm together.”

“It’s Alec,” Alec said through gritted teeth.  He really hated being called Alexander.  Then followed Magnus to the bar.

* * *

 

After they got over the initial animosity toward each other for their unfortunate situation, Alec found he and Magnus actually got along really well.  They kept up easy conversation throughout dinner.  Alec found out Magnus was also from New York, though he lived in Brooklyn.  They were actually booked on the same flight back to LaGuardia that had been cancelled due to the storm.  They also both work in consulting, though in very different aspects of the field.  Magnus was an art consultant, who had been catching a connecting flight from Miami where he had been attending Art Basel.  And Alec was an amateur general consultant for one of the top firms in New York, who had been in Atlanta meeting with clients.

After dinner, Alec and Magnus went back up to their shared room. It was a pleasant surprise to find Kayley had come through and there was a bottle of wine waiting for them. Magnus pulled out a deck of cards so they found themselves sitting on opposite ends of the bed with paper cups filled with wine enjoying a game of cards.

Alec had no idea what kind of card game they were playing. Magnus had insisted on teaching him something new, but in reality, it just seemed like he was making up the rules as he went along. Still, Alec was enjoying himself. For how utterly shitty his day had been and his evening began, the night was actually turning out to be one of the best he's had in a long time.  He was actually enjoying spending time with Magnus, which was rare for Alec to feel for anyone outside of his siblings, and maybe one or two other people.

They were nearly finished with the bottle of wine, and Alec had given up trying even to figure out the rules of this game. He was getting lost up in his own alcohol-foggy head, just flipping cards on auto-pilot now. It had suddenly occurred to him how much this whole evening had resembled a date. Dinner, drinks...bedroom activities. Granted these bedroom activities weren't quite the same as usually followed a date, but in a way, that made this all the more enjoyable. Alec hadn't even realized he let out a laugh until he looked up and noticed Magnus was quirking an eyebrow at him.

“What?”

“Something funny in that beautiful head of yours?”

“Oh. No. It's nothing.” Alec replied, trying to conceal his blush.  Why did Magnus’s words have such an effect on him?  Then something in that ‘beautiful head’ of his (okay so it was probably the alcohol) just said “fuck it” and he found himself telling Magnus what had been on his mind. “Actually, I was just thinking about how much tonight resembled a date, except the bedroom part of the date usually goes quite differently than this.”

“Oh?” Magnus’s grin was turned up in an evil half smile. Alec felt his cheeks heat up. He hadn't meant it in  _ that _ way. And now he was embarrassed at having said anything at all.  Which of course sent him into an uncontrollable stutter to try and appease the situation, but only dug himself further into a hole.

“No. Uh.  That’s not what I meant. It's, uh, actually quite the opposite of what I meant.  Usually my dates tend to end with me...um...running out the door at the first sign, of well,  _ that _ .”

Alec was sure his face was permanently beet red now.  He was embarrassed at letting himself confess such personal details to this stranger.  He hadn’t meant to say that much.  Damn that bottle of wine and its inhibition lowering effects.  

Magnus didn't say anything right away, which had Alec’s nerves on edge. Magnus not having a witty response to something was unusual, even if Alec had barely known him now for a couple of hours. But he seemed to be ruminating on something, Alec could sense the gears in his brain shifting, so he remained quiet, and just tried to keep himself from doing exactly what he just brought up - run and hide. 

“Can I ask you something personal?” Magnus finally asked. 

“Uh...sure, I guess so. I mean it's not like I didn't just blurt out some pretty personal information two seconds ago. Man why can't I shut up? My friends would be shocked if they saw me talking this much.”  He expected Magnus to laugh at that. But he didn't. He remained composed. 

“I know, but that doesn't mean you gave me permission to pry more personal information from you. We've been drinking and I can tell you haven't been entirely comfortable sharing what you have already with me. I want you to feel safe Alexander.”  Magnus’s voice was soft, comforting.  A change from the electric sassy banter Alec had been hearing the rest of the evening.

“I do,” Alec replied, surprising even himself. “Feel safe. With you, I mean.”  Magnus nodded.

“Where those dates you ran from men or women?”  Alec was a little taken aback by the question, though not entirely surprised.  Alec had deduced that Magnus was clearly not straight, so it only made sense Magnus picked up similar vibes from Alec.

“Men. Well I guess at first it was women, but that was before I had been able to admit to myself I was gay. I thought once I accepted myself things would change, but they didn’t.  They haven't. ”

“I see.”  Magnus paused before speaking again.  The silence was deafening, but Alec was too afraid to open his mouth to break it.  “Have you considered you might be asexual?”

“Asexual?”

“Yes.  Asexuality is a sexual orientation for those who find they do not feel sexual attraction.”

Alec took a second to take in Magnus’s words.  He never even considered that there might be other people who felt the way he did about sex.  And definitely not enough for there to be an entire sexual orientation dedicated to people like him.  People like him.  Yeah, even his brain has already started to accept this new identity.  Even if he didn’t fully understand it yet.  If he is asexual, does that mean he isn’t gay?  And can he really be asexual if he definitely feels attraction to men?  He just doesn’t want to have sex with them.  That attraction has to mean something right?  

Alec realised he kept asking himself questions he just didn’t have the answers to.  And Magnus was still waiting for him to say something.  Magnus also probably had more answers.

“Can you be asexual and still be gay?  I mean I know I am attracted to men.  And I would like to have that intimacy and companionship of a relationship one day, with a man.  I just don’t want to have sex.”

“Yes.  You could be homoromantic and asexual.”  Sensing the lack of understanding from Alec at the new terminology, Magnus went on to explain the different kinds of attraction and the different ways one can feel attraction.

It was over an hour later when Mangus finished giving Alec his asexuality education.  They were now both sitting with their backs against the headboard on the bed, crowding over Alec’s laptop.  Magnus had shown Alec a bunch of website and videos that taught him more about asexuality.  It was the videos that Alec liked the most.  Seeing the faces of other people who identify as asexual made him feel less alone in all of this, though he was still very much confused and overwhelmed by it all.  There were so many new things to take in.  So much about his past feelings and actions that hold new meaning he still needs to work through.  So much to still figure out.  But for the first time in a long time, things were starting to make sense, and he felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.  He never needed to have sex if he didn’t want to.  There was nothing wrong with him.  He wasn’t alone in his feelings.

* * *

When they got back to New York, Alec and Magnus started hanging out.  It was casual.  A cup of coffee here, a drink after work there.  But the more time they spent together, the more Alec was feeling his attraction for Magnus grow.  He just wasn’t sure if he wanted to act on those feelings, or even if his feelings truly were attraction and not just infatuation.  All Alec knew was that with Magnus he felt safe.  Magnus was the only person who knew about him being asexual, and it was easy to be himself around him.  Magnus was understanding and patient, and Alec knew Magnus would never pressure him into anything he wasn’t comfortable with, so when it was just the two of them, he felt more at ease than he ever has before.  

But he had no idea if Magnus reciprocated his feelings.  He didn’t know if Magnus was just spending time with him because he was this fun little project.  A little duckling he took under his wing to teach and grow.  He had no idea what Magnus’s expectations were.  Sure, they were friends now, Alec thinks, but could it ever be anything more?  There were times when they were together where Alec felt like there was something there between them, but Magnus was so hard to read sometimes, especially since he seemed to flirt with anything and everything, and really, as far as feelings go, Alec is at an utter loss at deciphering them.  Usually he would talk to Izzy, or even Jace, about these things, but ever since Atlanta, he hadn’t told them about his newfound discovery of asexuality.  He hadn’t even told them about Magnus.  He’s not sure why, a part of him just likes keeping this part of him to himself right now.  And he can’t talk to Magnus about his feelings, since Magnus is the one causing these confusing feelings.

Alec pushed these thoughts out of his head though, as he had just arrived at the bar where he was meeting Izzy and Jace for their weekly Lightwood sibling date night.  Though Jace seemed to be using this evening for a different kind of date night, since it was his turn to pick the location, and the second Alec walked in he knew this was not the kind of bar Jace would choose without some kind of ulterior motive, of the female kind.  For starters, the bar with filled with artsy, hipster types.  Jace usually hated these kind of people.  There also seemed to be some kind of art exhibition going on in the back of the bar.  Only in New York, Alec thought.  Then made his way over to where he spotted Jace and Isabelle were sitting.  

“Please tell me we are not here having our weekly sibling date night here just so Jace can chase after whoever the unlucky girl who gets to reject him this week is.”

“Hey,” Jace replied, clearly offended.  Izzy snickered in response and nodded her head to the side toward the little redhead standing by a display of art not far from their table.  But it wasn’t the girl who caught Alec’s attention, but the man she was talking to.  Alec felt a flutter in his chest, because here, looking as beautiful as ever, was none other than Magnus Bane himself.  So much for keeping those parts of his life separate while he tried to figure things out.  They were about to come colliding together, and fast, as Magnus has spotted Alec and was walking his way.

“So, Jace isn’t the only one harboring a crush here tonight,” Izzy cooed.  The heat on Alec’s cheeks was rising.  Damn Izzy and her perceptiveness!  Granted, the goofy smile plastered on his face was probably an obvious giveaway.

“What?  Who?  Where?”  Jace asked looking around the room for some sign, oblivious as always to anything that doesn’t involve himself.

But before Alec could respond to either of his siblings, Magnus was already approaching the table.

“Alexander, what a lovely surprise.  I didn’t expect to see you here.”  Out of the corner of his eye, Alec caught the brief exchange between Jace and Izzy.  Jace mouthed and exaggerated “ _ Alexander? _ ” and Izzy mouthed back “I know” with an excited grin.  Alec loved his siblings, but sometimes he wished they could be a bit more subtle.

“Magnus.  Hi.  Yeah.  I was just meeting my siblings here for drinks.  Izzy, Jace, Magnus.  Magnus, Izzy, Jace.”  Alec said by way of introductions.

“Hi Magnus, nice to meet you.  So you were talking to that Clary chick right?  Think you can put in a good word for me?”  Jace asked, to which he was met with a smack upside his head from Izzy.  “Ow, what was that for?”

“Ay, dios mio.  Jace, you’re an idiot, you know that?  First of all, Magnus here does not know and you probably does not want to stain his reputation by vouching for you.  Second of all, you’re a big boy, you dragged us all here, so please just go get it out of your system.  Go make a fool of yourself so we can get back to sibling time.  Go!”  She pushed him off his chair and toward where the redhead was standing.  Then she turned back to Magnus.  “I’m sorry, he’s adopted.”

“So this is Izzy, the travel agent nobody has anymore.  You were right, Alexander, I do like her,”  Magnus said.  Izzy preened at that.

“So tell me, Magnus, how do you know this brother of mine?”

“Ah well, I would be that strange man that barged into Alexander’s hotel room in Atlanta while he was standing there deliciously half naked due to an unfortunate overbooking incident.  Though I have to say it turned out quite well in the end.” Izzy did not miss the way Magnus’s eyes flickered up and down Alec’s body as he mentioned his state of undress at the time, or the wink that followed, nor the blush that seemed to darken on her brother’s face.

“Well it seems our  _ Alexander _ here left off some very key details about that trip, as he has told me nothing of that evening.”  

Izzy batted her eyelashes, and both she and Magnus were giving Alec matching devilish grins, which made Alec want to just curl up into a hole and disappear.  See, this is why he didn’t tell his sister about Magnus!  He does not need her meddling into his personal life.

Something in the distance caught Magnus’s attention, back where the exhibit was going on.  “Well, I’d love to stay and chat some more lovelies, but I should probably go check back in on my artists.  It’s all work and no play for me tonight.  It was wonderful meeting you Isabelle.  And Alexander, I’ll see you Sunday still for coffee?”  Alec nodded.  “Great.  Later babes.”

The second Magnus walked away, Izzy pounced on Alec.  

“Oh my god!  You did not tell me the man you got stranded with in Atlanta was smoking hot.  Nor that he lived here in New York.  Or that you are seeing him.  What the hell happened in Atlanta, Alec?  Spill!”

“Nothing happened.  We are  _ not _ dating.  We met.  We’re friends. End of story.”  Alec protested.

“Really?  Because from where I was sitting there is definitely something going on there.  Coffee dates.   _ Alexander _ .  Plus he was totally eye fucking you--”

Alec cut her off.  “Izzy, we’re just friends.  That’s all.”

“But you like him.  I can see it in your face.  You can’t lie to me big brother, and you know it.  Plus you only get this defensive when you are hiding something.  So tell me, what exactly happened in Atlanta that night?”

“Nothing.  Honestly.  We had dinner, we drank some wine, we played cards, we talked.”  Nothing he was saying was a lie.  He just was omitting certain details.  He could tell Izzy still wasn’t convinced but she seemed willing to let it go for now.  Alec looked up and caught a glance at Magnus in his element.  He could feel the smile on his face and he knew his sister was watching, but he didn’t care.

“Yeah fine, nothing happened, but that look says more than you know.  You’re an idiot too, you know.  I’ve got two idiot big brothers.”

 

* * *

 

Alec is not really sure when it started raining, but by now he was drenched. He had been walking around for probably about an hour or so, just trying to clear his head, with no destination in mind. He had had dinner with his parents tonight, and it had gone bad. Like so bad!  Like probably couldn’t get any worse kind of bad!  He didn't feel like being alone after he left, despite what he told Izzy, but he also didn’t know where to go, he couldn’t go back to his apartment, so he just ended up wandering the city.    
  
His parents never supported the fact that he is gay when Alec finally came out to them a couple years ago. But they also didn’t not support him.  In a way, they took it exactly like Alec expected Robert and Maryse Lightwood to take the news of the eldest son being gay.  They ignored it and went about their day as if nothing had changed.  Alec had been so sure they were going to disown him or worse.  The Lightwood parents weren’t exactly an open minded kind of people.  He knew full well their opinion on homosexuality when he came out to them, so their lack of response was actually probably the best case scenario Alec could have hoped for.  The topic of Alec’s sexuality was never brought up with his parents again, which was honestly how Alec preferred it.  That is, until tonight.     
  
Dinner had been a set up. His mother frequently hosted dinner parties, but it was only on a rare occasion she forced her children to be a part of them. Alec had assumed his mother's recent decision to venture into politics by running for state legislature was the reason for tonight’s event.  She just wanted an excuse to show off her "perfect little American family" to her supporters.  But that wasn't what this dinner was about. No, not entirely. Maryse Lightwood had chosen tonight to only invited people she knew with eligible, single daughters. And it was all "Alexander this" and "Alexander that".  Alec might not usually be the most perceptive person, but he caught on pretty quickly what his mother was up to.    
  
He didn't even care that he made a scene in front of his mother and all her guests. He was just so furious. It was one thing for his parents to ignore the fact that he is gay, and another for them to just refuse to accept it and try to force him into a relationship with a woman.  He didn’t need their love and support, but he was not going to let them push him back into the closet he work so hard to escape from.  He ended up telling his mother off, then storming out of there before the hor d'oeuvres were even served, and has just been wandering the city ever since.   
  
He didn't remember having crossed the bridge, but he was definitely in Brooklyn now.  And not just in Brooklyn, but in Magnus's neighborhood, specifically. He'd only been to Magnus's apartment once, and just to the outside, as he walked him back after they met nearby last week.  Alec suddenly found himself slipping into the building as someone else came out and making his way up to the apartment that was marked “Bane” in the directory.

“Alexander.  Darling, you’re soaking wet.  Come in, come in.”  Alec followed Magnus into his loft.  He felt out of place, yet at home.  It was strange these conflicting feelings Magnus always seemed to bring on.  Magnus led him to a living room.  Alec realised he was dripping water all over the place.

“I’m sorry I’m getting water everywhere.”  Such a dumb thing to say.  He’s not even sure why he said it, he just felt the need to say something and that was what came out.

“Don’t worry about that.  Are you okay?  You look stunned, and not at all yourself.  Do you want to talk about it?”  Alec thought about that for a second, then shook his head.  No, he wasn’t really ready to talk about it, but just being here was making him feel a little better.

“Okay.  How about I get you some dry clothes, maybe make you a cup of tea.  Have you eaten? I could order takeout.”  Again Alec had to think about that, because no, he hasn’t eaten.  He hadn’t even realised how hungry was he until Magnus asked, because he had run off before food had been served.  This time, he nods in response to Magnus’s question.  “Okay.  I’ll be right back with some dry clothes, then we can order some take out.”

Alec stood awkwardly in the middle of Magnus’s living room waiting for him to come back.  He was wet so he didn’t want to sit down on the couch or any of the decorative chairs, and he didn’t want to spread more water everywhere, so he just remained still.  When Magnus returned with a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, Alec was relieved, and a little surprised Magnus owned clothes that were so, well, mundane.  He was directed to the guest bathroom where he changed his clothes and used a towel to dry off his hair.  By the time Alec was done and had made his way back to the living room, Magnus had already ordered chinese takeout and had brewed them both warm cups of tea.  Alec was feeling a little bit better now.

“I know you said you don’t want to talk about whatever happened tonight, but I just want you to know I’m here, I’ll listen, whenever you are ready.”  Magnus’s voice was soft and comforting.  Like it was that night in Atlanta when Alec opened up to him on his feelings toward sex and helped him to discover his asexuality.  Something about Magnus just made Alec feel safe and comfortable, in way nobody else has ever made him feel.  Whereas Alec usually repressed his feelings, locked them up in a box deep inside himself, around Magnus, he found he wanted to share, to get all his feelings off his chest.  To have someone else bear the burden with him.

So he started telling Magnus about his parents and how they were less than thrilled at his being gay.  And about tonight and how his mother was essentially whoring him off to the highest bidder, or at least that was what it felt like. By the time he had finished telling Magnus about his evening, he was feeling pretty drained, and their food had arrived.  Magnus went to collect the takeout and pay the delivery boy, but Alec was not hungry anymore.

“Alexander, I’m sorry your parents are awful and humiliated you like that tonight. I wish I could say something or do something to make it better, but I know no words can heal the pain a son feels toward parents that will never accept him for who he is.  Trust me, I know a thing or two about shitty parents, though mine is a story for another time.  But you have so many other people in your life who support you and care about you.  Isabelle.  Jace.  Max.  Me.”  Alec looked up when Magnus put himself into the list and met his eyes.  “I care about you, Alexander, and you know my door is always open whenever you need.”  The intensity of Magnus’s look was getting to be too much for Alec and he broke their eye contact, averting his gaze back down to his own hands.

Alec was feeling overwhelmed, and on the verge of tears. His anger and frustration with his parents was now being met with the internal conflict he has been repressing for the past few weeks dealing with his growing feelings for Magnus.  He is so grateful Magnus came into his life.  He can’t imagine going back to the man he was before their accidental encounter, before learning about asexuality.  But he also knew that his feelings for Magnus were anything but casual and platonic.  And he knew Magnus deserved better than what he could offer.  Magnus deserved a partner who could give him everything.  Alec’s fight or flight instincts were kicking in, and with his fight response drained from earlier this evening, he was on the verge of fleeing from Magnus like he had so many men before.  

Alec suddenly stood up from the couch and spoke.  “I should go.”  There was a hesitancy in his voice.  Like his heart didn’t quite agree with his brain on this action.

Magnus stood up beside him.  Their bodies were now closer together than they had been when they were sitting.  “I wish you wouldn’t,” Magnus replied.

Alec shut his eyes, because it was the only way he could concentrate without being so aware of just how close Magnus was standing next to him, without feeling the gaze with which Magnus was looking at him.  But it didn’t help, he could still feel the heat from Magnus’s body, he could see the way Magnus was looking at him behind his own closed eyes.  Alec was frozen to the spot, conflicted.

Alec felt a tentative touch graze his chin, turning his face toward the direction Magnus was standing next to him.  “Alexander, look at me, please.”  Magnus was using that soft, comforting voice of his, that voice Alec had trouble ignoring, so he obliged.  When his eyes met Magnus’s this time, he was looking at him with such adoration, Alec could feel it down to his core.  He knew Magnus’s feelings towards him were more than casual at this point too, it was just easier to lie to himself about that.  Because it still didn’t change the fact that Alec couldn’t give Magnus the kind of relationship he deserved.  Magnus deserved someone who could give their whole self to him, not someone like Alec who came with baggage and limitations.

“I don’t deserve you,”  Alec spoke.  “And you don’t deserve me.  I’m pathetic and broken and--” the last of his words were cut off by the tears that were now surfacing.

Magnus pulled Alec toward him and wrapped his arms around him in a comforting hug.  He just held Alec there while Alec cried.  Once Alec had stopped crying, Magnus had them both sit back down on the couch.

“Can I say something now?”  Magnus asked.  Alec nodded in response.  “First of all, you are not pathetic and broken.  The fact that you stood up to your mother and stormed out like you did shows your bravery.  Sure it might not have been the most elegant or even prideful of moments, but you didn’t let her control you.  You didn’t let her define you.  You stood up for yourself, to your mother no less, a person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, and that is one of the bravest things a person can do.  Second of all, you are not broken.  You can never be broken for being you.  Neither being gay nor asexual make you any less of a man, makes you any less of you.  Okay?”  Alec nodded and tried to smile, but was still feeling too down for anything more than a sad half curve of his lips.  “And lastly, you don’t get to decide who or what I deserve.  I care for you Alexander.  More than I have for anyone in a very, very long time.  Before I stumbled into your hotel room that night, I thought these feelings I have now, for you, were things I was never going to feel again.  I know I haven’t shared nearly as much with you as I’ve gotten you to open up with me.  Honestly, I’m afraid if you learned too much about my past, you won’t look at me the same way.  And I know how hypocritical I sound, and I am going to work hard to change, because relationships need to be a two-way street, and I know I can’t keep expecting you to open up to me if I don’t do the same myself.  There is a lot of darkness in my past, though.  I alluded to my parents, but that was only the start.  So don’t think you are the only one sitting on this couch with a lot of repressed baggage.  But this,” he gestured between the two of them, “whatever it is we want to call it, if we want to call it anything at all, is too important to me to let you walk out that door without putting all my cards out on the table.  I thought my feelings for you were known, I know your sister, at least, read me like a book.  But I didn’t want to push you into anything you weren’t ready for.  I know you are struggling.  I know it hasn’t been easy to redefine your sexuality so soon after you first accepted it in the first place.  I know there is so much you are still learning and figuring out, but I know full well what being in a relationship with you will be, Alexander.  I have not and will never forget about your asexuality.  I will never pressure you into anything you aren’t comfortable with.  You can set whatever boundaries you need, and no matter what happens tonight, no matter what you decide, I will always continue to be here to support you and help you while you figure it all out.  Just please, don’t push me away, don’t shut me out, because I can’t be here for you, I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”  Magnus paused, he still had a little more to say, but he wanted Alec to take in what had already been spoken before he continued.  “So, now that that’s all out there, what are you thinking?  The next move is in your hand.  I just need you to talk to me.  I need to you tell me what’s going on in your head, because this relationship, or any relationship, for that matter, will work is through communication.  So if you’re ready, if you want this to be a relationship,  if you are willing, to have me as your boyfriend, or whatever label you want to use to define this, I am here.  Just say the word.”

Somehow during the course of that monologue, Magnus had moved closer and closer to Alec.  The only parts of them that were touching were their legs, though, as Magnus had his body angled toward Alec so he could look at him directly.  Alec was still taking in all of Magnus’s words.  He’s pretty sure he’s crying again, though right now he is still numb to anything other than processing exactly what Magnus had said.  Magnus had put it all out there.  He had laid out his heart, and now it was up to Alec to decide what to do next.  Alec could take the easy way out, say no, and keep things exactly as they are - casual, platonic - but he knows that isn’t what he wants.  He wants what Magnus wants, he is just still scared that… Well, honestly, he isn’t really sure what he is scared of.  Scared of how much he wants everything Magnus had said.  Scared of what will happen in the future if things don’t work out and he is back to square one.  Scared of truly being happy.  He knows none of those things are things that should prevent him from telling Magnus how he feels , but all of this is too new for him.

“Yes,” Alec finally spoke. “I want all of that.  I want to be with you, Magnus, but I’m kind of fucking terrified.  I’m terrified of fucking this up.  I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m afraid I’ll never be comfortable enough to give you everything you need.”

“Alexander, shhh, all I need is you.  Whatever you have to give will be enough.  I don’t need sex. I don’t need any kind of physical affection, though I’d love nothing more than to kiss your tears away right now.  If holding hands is the extent of physical contact we ever have, that is fine.  Because what I feel, what I think we can be, runs deeper than anything physical.  It is raw and emotional, and it is that emotional intimacy that I care more for.”

Magnus was saying all the right things.  Alec wasn’t sure why he made such a big deal about this in his head.  Sure he still has his uncertainties, and he’s still terrified of what the future might bring.  But he trusts Magnus.  More than he sometimes trusts himself.  And since words were never Alec’s strong suit, and he wanted to give Magnus at least one thing he said he wanted, Alec closed the remaining gap between them by pulling Magnus in for a kiss. It took Magnus a second to respond, and by that point, Alec was already starting to pull away.  But Magnus wrapped one hand behind Alec’s neck and pulled him back so he could kiss him back, properly.  And it was probably the greatest kiss Alec has experienced in his life thus far.  Because for the first time, a kiss was just a kiss.  It wasn’t a prelude to something more.  There was no voice in the back of his head getting ready to tell him when to run when thing started taking a turn toward something more, so he was able to just let himself go and enjoy every touch, every taste, every feeling of the moment.

There were now three things Alec Lightwood knew about himself beyond a shadow of a doubt.  The first is he is asexual, the second is he is homoromantic, and the third is he has the best boyfriend in the entire world.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr: AOkayInSpace


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